A couple things happened this week that led me to this realization.
I. live. in. shame.
The first thing that happened was that Scott forgot to pay some bills. As we discussed what we were going to do to fix the situation and how we can prevent this from ever happening again, something came out.
I was frustrated and upset and as usual Scott was calm and collected. This happens a lot with us. I tell Scott that it seems like he just doesn't care because he doesn't get upset like I do. Then he tells me, " what good does it do to get upset? I just focus on fixing the problem."
This only makes me more upset! He finally says, "what else do you want me to do?"
And then it came out... I said, " I want you to say, ' Oh man, I can't believe I did this...SHOOT, I forgot to pay some bills. I'm sooo sorry, I can't believe I forgot! But I'm gonna do this ___.... sorry babe!'
Scott said, "well that's a shameful response and you'll never get that kind of response from me because I shouldn't feel any shame. I made a mistake, but I'm taking care of it. "
Instantly I knew he was right. And the argument was over.
The very next day I was reading in HAVING A MARY SPIRIT by Joanna Weaver. She writes out this chart of Four False Beliefs.
The Performance Trap
False Belief: "I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself"
Symptom: "Fear of failure, perfectionism, manipulating other to achieve success, withdrawal from risks."
Truth: "I bear Christ's righteousness and am, therefore, fully pleasing to the Father (Romans 5:1)."
Approval Addiction
False Belief: "I must be approved (accepted) by others to feel good about myself."
Symptoms: "Fear of rejections; attempting to please others at any cost; overly sensitive to criticism; withdrawing to avoid disapproval."
Truth: "Although I was..alienated from God, I am now forgiven...[and thus] totally accepted by God (Colossians 1:21-22)."
The Blame Game
False Belief: "Those who fail are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished."
Symptoms: "Fear of punishment; punishing and blaming others for personal failure; withdrawal from God and others; drivenness to avoid failure."
Truth: "Christ satisfied God's wrath [against sin] by His death...therefore, I am deeply loved by God (1 John 4:9-11)."
Shame
False Belief: "I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless."
Symptom: "Feelings of shame; hopelessness; inferiority; passivity; loss of creativity; isolation; withdrawal from others."
Truth: "I am a new creation in Christ (John 3:3-6)."
After reading that I sat there in my chair almost stunned. I totally live in this place. I live in shame. I fear breaking rules and breaking laws because of the shame that will follow. This fear of feeling shame goes so far that I am afraid to drive. I'm afraid I will break some sort of traffic law and get pulled over. OH THE SHAME!
I also am a firm believer in punishment. Wow. How awful!
Les Miserables is one of my favorite stories because one man spends his whole life, all his energy, all his efforts, in making sure that another man pays the penalty for a crime he committed years and years ago. This "criminal" he chases at one point even spares his life. Yet this man is determined to punish the other. There is no mercy in his heart. No forgiveness. No belief in redemption. And in the end the man finally captures his criminal.
In that moment perhaps he realizes that he no longer has a purpose in life. He made it his life's mission to find this guy and punish him and when he finally does he no longer knows what to do with his life.
Or perhaps he thought that when he finally captured this criminal and brought him to justice that he would feel accomplished, fulfilled but instead he recognizes his own sin and decides to punish himself by taking his own life.
hmmm...powerful stuff. And I see myself in that. I see that I believe so deeply in punishment that I forgot all about forgiveness and mercy and redemption! I even punish myself.
Wow.
After realizing that I live in shame, I asked Scott what the opposite of shame was. Because I don't know any other way to live, any other way to feel. How do I respond when I mess up other than ashamed of what I've done?!?
How do I respond to others? And not demand punishment?
Scott and I had a great conversation about how our worth is not based on the things we do or don't do. How God took the time to create us and in that alone we are worthy. So I can mess up and be lazy and yada yada yada, but I am still perfectly loved.
Scott said I could come home from work and lay in bed all day and never clean and never cook... he would still love me! I could be mean and throw a fit and be a total brat... he would still love me!
Amazing. Truly amazing.
But now I feel like I need therapy. Because how do I change and get out of living in shame? Where do I start?
Anyone know of any books I could read on the subject of Shame?
