I probably had the most stressful week of my adult life last week.
Scott and I were in the middle of switching cars. He was cleaning his out and we went ahead and had new tires put on, got an alignment, and had the oil changed. Ended up dropping over $500!
Yeah.
A week later that car was on the side of the road... dead.
aaahhhhhh!
Because Scott works 40 minutes away and this is a new job, I have had to be pretty flexible. Which means finding rides home from work and being without a vehicle for the day while Scott's away.
And yesterday Scott fixed my bike so I can now ride home.
But I just don't know if I'm that girl. Am I?
My goal in life is to be a hippie...minus the drugs...and the smell...the smell of patchouli.
And riding my cute cruiser home is definitely a step in that direction so why am I resisting it?
hmmm...a blossom's dilemma.
I find that I am constantly living in this struggle. I want to be this free spirit and love greatly, yet I can't seem to let even the little things go! And I have a hard enough time being kind and gentle towards my husband much less loving and serving others I've never met selflessly.
Then there is this comfort thing. Something I struggle with the most. I want to live comfortably. I want to feel safe in my neighborhood. I want a full belly. I want a comfy home always at the perfect temperature! Yes, I do. Even after experiencing India!!! How could I still think I need and deserve all these things?
I want to not have to worry about having enough money, but I'm not willing to go out there and get a career. And I will preach all day to others about how they shouldn't love their THINGS, because they are just THINGS. But I am the queen of hoarding and loving my possessions!
And Sunday night we went over again how we are not our own. We belong to Christ. Didn't I learn that in India? Everyday when I went out on the battlefield, my first reaction was to tense up and be afraid of what could happen to me there, of what disease I could catch. I was always reminding myself that this life and my body are not my own. That's how I survived India.
But here and now I am stuck.
Just like I know I should exercise and drink water and limit my Coca-Cola intake. I don't. And I know I should turn the heating pad off, turn the tv off, get out of bed, and go for a walk. I don't.
it's the blossom dilemma I tell ya.
And last week. I felt so heavy. So stressed. Yet I was cared for. Our community reached out and without us asking helped us figure out some car stuff. My family was there to help. And somehow I think this is eventually going to work out for good.
But I couldn't shake it. My body physically hurt from the stress. And for the first time in my life I can't seem to cry. I need to cry. It's my outlet!
I'm not sure if it was the three hour marathon coverage I had watched earlier or what, but I did something Sunday I hadn't done since high school.... I ran. Didn't quite do 26.2 miles, more like .2, but it did make me feel a bit better.
And when I was thinking about how horrible my week was, I thought of Haiti. My heart was still. You know how people always say when faced with stress peoples' response is either FIGHT or FLIGHT. Well, I do neither. I FREEZE.
And that's where I am at with Haiti. I'm frozen. I have no idea how to respond, what I can do.
Perhaps on my rides home, with every pedal I will start to pray for Haiti. And perhaps right now I will turn off Oprah and drink some water.
thanks for letting me blaaahhhhhg
